i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
my first dose meeting my second
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.