These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world