“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
✌🏽
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Geez man, take it easy.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I can’t stop laughing at this
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.