I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
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Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Meow