Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
This is the best one I’ve seen
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”