My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard