I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.