“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
what day is it?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.