I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet