Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?