I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?