My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You Might Also Like
my dad has had enough
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Hotels are back
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.