It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.