a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating