“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me