In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.