Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.