Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms