I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My Sentiments Exactly
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull