Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.