Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.