my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Breaking news:
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]