After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?