self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!