Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
How it started: How it’s going:
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.