It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.