When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.