You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
What kind of a cult is this?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
🤣😂
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.