“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.