sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots