If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
What kind of a cult is this?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Pretty much! 😂👀
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂