If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
You Might Also Like
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
😅🤣😂
Finally!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank