Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

THIS HEADLINE

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure