[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.