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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.