CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
stop
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that