*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband