[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.