{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Cinematography is my passion
50 shades of grey = my Liver
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
beware of dog
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.