Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You can’t outrun your problems…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
is this a threat
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.