Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Saturday
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.