“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans