Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end