ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Hey I worked for it too!
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔