My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
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I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.