Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”