“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
This a good idea
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
You are not alone 💚
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
What even happened today?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.