50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Wait for it
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
wow
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.