“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I think I’m having a stroke
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
23. the denim jacket
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Jesus Christ lmao