Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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same bro
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me trying to look natural in photos
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.